I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
