There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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