Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
