I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
