Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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