i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Randomize
