and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
