It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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