I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
