So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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