I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
