Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
