you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
