i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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