i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
