she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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