So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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