Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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