my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
