Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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