just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
