I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
