if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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