Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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