I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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