I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
