Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Let's get the cat blown out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
