Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
