My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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