It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
