In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
