Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
