There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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