Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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