i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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