I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
