You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
