I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
