the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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