I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
