Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
