My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
