So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
