i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My life is pants optional.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
