Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
