Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
