Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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