its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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