69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
sarcasm needs its own font
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
