what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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