I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
