M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
