Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
