On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
