he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
