So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
