i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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