I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
