My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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