i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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