Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
